I’m not sure how I came through one of the most traumatic years of my entire life to be in one of the strongest positions I’ve ever been in, but it happened and I’m still here!
If the past 14 months, in particular the last four, have taught me anything, it is the value and importance of time and how I spend that time managing my mind.
Time is precious, once it’s gone, it’s gone. The importance of time, how some things must run their course, while others are dragged out and delayed for far too long.
Last year was HARD, TOUGH and extremely LONELY, more, traumatic than losing my mum.
The hardest and loneliest part was that it didn’t matter who I spoke to or what they said, no one knew how bad things were, how much I was hurting and how hard I was fighting so as not to go under. No one could physically get in my body and feel what I was experiencing.
At times I was too ashamed to reach out for help because I wasn’t sure if what was happening was me being weak, stupid and insecure, or my faith being tested and tried.
How had my blessing turned into a nightmare?
How had my happiness turned into sorrow, pain?
At first, I refused to cry because I saw it as a sign of weakness.
In the years I battled with depression, all I did was cry, wallow and think about where I was, only wishing I could get out and break free.
Last year the determination to fight took me by surprise. As my hopes and dreams came crashing down around me and the overwhelming stench and fowl scented emotions acquainted with depression tried to worm their way back into my life, the value and importance of time wouldn’t allow me to succumb to their power.
I didn’t wish things better, I fought for life. A life that allows you experience without being extinguished.
We all have dreams and hopes and it is hope that lifts our vibrations, makes us smile, gives us reason to keep going. The bible says hope deferred makes the heart sick and for the most last year t was hope but faith that I fought to hold onto.
In the midst of all you experience, there must be a glimmer of hope, even if that hope is “this too shall pass.”
Clarity, Sanity and Peace
When we are dealing with any kind of trial, we always have questions, be it how long, why or when, even in the midst of faith and hope there are many, many questions.
I didn’t have answers to my questions and nothing made sense, but I had a determination to never allow myself to be overcome, overpowered or outwitted by thoughts that triggered emotions, behaviour and thinking patterns connected to depression.
In chapter 11 of my book, God’s Romantic Getaway, I shared the moment in 2011 were petrified I stood before God and told Him I needed His word that He would never allow me to go back to depression.
When I made that vowel, I was scared for two reasons.
One, at age 42 I had battled with depression for 35 years and no amount of wishing I could break free had allowed me to do so.
Two, I had absolutely no idea how I would never go back and knew I would face tough times and have to learn a new way of fighting not to survive, but win.
Every decision I have made since that day was based on the words, “I’m never going back”, and that meant learning to do life differently.
I had worked on my mindset to get to a place of no return but didn’t realise in order to completely change your mindset you have to be tested by what once crippled you.
Last year I was tested beyond what I would have imagined tolerable. I was shocked by what I faced and shocked that I was fighting and not succumbing. Even if God left me where I was, the fact that I was crawling when I couldn’t walk, walking when I couldn’t run and standing still when I could do neither, in itself encouraged me to keep breathing and moving.
It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary to keep moving!
Nothing has the power to take you out unless you give it permission.
There is a huge difference between being faced with tough, intolerable circumstances and events and allowing those tough, intolerable circumstances and events to take over, to rule your every waking moment. To rule and dominate your thoughts, dictating where your mind will go and what it will focus on
It’s not a one-time thing, you have to be as intentional and persistent as those dominating thoughts, but you make a decision and you stick to it.
Last year I learnt how to stick to my decision to never go back.
I knew how to manage my mind and fuel it with words that helped and healed instead of words that hurt and killed. But I learnt how to be persistent, persistent, persistent.
On days when the emotional pain got so bad, I could literally feel my heart breaking as my mind travelled between what was, what could have been and what was actually taking place, intentional long deep breaths and focused thinking allowed me to feel my mood lift above the sadness to skim the horizon of hope.
I had never experienced a fight like this in the position I was in. The past 11years had been spent working towards a major goal. The goal of being in the worse position I could ever imagine and not succumbing to any depressive emotional traits or connections to my past.
I had been in similar situations to what I was in but I had come at it from a different viewpoint. One of why me, when will it end, Lord rescue me, Lord where are you, Lord I don’t deserve this and the like.
Those words didn’t heal me, they added to my pain. Now I was intentionally telling myself I would rise, I would win, I was bold, beautiful, strong and a winner, kind, generous, an overcomer and more.
I affirmed myself with what empowered and encourage me and made me feel better, not worse and took my 4 step process to another level and just when I thought things could not get any worse they got 100 times worse sucking the life out of me causing me mentally to dig 101 steps deeper.
I would love to tell you my circumstances changed, but they didn’t, and that is where we often go wrong. We pray that our circumstances will change, not realising we have the power to change our circumstances by the way we react to what life throws at us.
If it’s raining and you don’t have an umbrella you can either stop and waste time praying to ask God to stop the rain or you can take what’s in your bag, your hand or on your back, cover your head so you don’t get wet and keep on going. Better still just run in the rain and let the rain know you’re not afraid of it.
Last year I learnt to run, get drenched, soaked, slip and more. I ran, bruised myself but refused to let the rain stop me.
This is a new year. We are already two months in. Are you ready to run through the rain and get soaked if that’s what it will take to win your mental and emotional battles or are you going to waste time waiting and praying for the rain to stop so you can get to where you’re going with the same weak and unexercised mindset?
I want to teach you how to fight if you are ready.
Some blows caught me way off guard, causing me to feel disoriented for days and weeks at a time
The thing about fighting is that often you’re not aware of whether you’re winning or losing because you’re just doing everything that you can to beat your component or stay alive and that involves receiving some blows which can be painful not to mention the ones that knock you out, be it only for a short period.
Living Loss Living Loss is a support group for those who have lost loved ones and are bereaved. It was birthed from the revelation that people are carrying grief due to a range of life experiences and many times people are grieving for situations and loved ones where no one has died.
Wholesale Academy JPIM’s mission is to “Transform lives through wholeness,” and one of the ways we achieve this vision is through uniquely designed dynamic and transformational programmes and events developed to help individuals: 1. Build an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ 2. Understand who they are (identity) 3. Know why they are (purpose) 4. Know whose they are (security) Our leadership programmes support and empower leaders to do their own wholeness journey in a safe, supportive, confidential and empowering environment.
What To Come….
New podcast episodes start next month
A Precious Stone – This Year
If you have been inspired or encouraged by this blog in any way please comment, I would love t hear from you.
If you know someone that would benefit from this post, please do share it, you never know whose life you could be saving.
Until next time doesn’t give up the fight, you are winning because there was a time when you didn’t fight.