Seven months into 2018 and whats the progress of my success?
It’s July and I find myself looking at the progress of the goals I set for 2018 and as I do I view one of my long-term goals from a distance, only to realise I am way behind schedule. It’s taking me longer than anticipated to complete my second book and most of it is down to poor time management, but I’m still pushing on and refusing to believe my goal is impossible.
I look to the right and I see my audiobook rapidly going nowhere due to setbacks out of my control and though on occasion it has caused me to feel like a failure, I don’t have the energy to side with my emotions, so I don’t. My surroundings tell me its impossible, but my determined mindset tells me it’s doable, so I choose to side with my determined mindset and give it my best shot.
I look to the left and the progress of my success with my first book, sales are down, even though it is a blooming good read. Yes, I’m blowing my own horn, because I have to and because it’s true! But the good news is I sold 5 copies this week! So “in your face” is what I say to the voices of defeat!
I look outside my window and the progress there is that I have no car to make my cake deliveries or get around in general. This is making life difficult, but not impossible. My car-less plight is the result of an accident a few weeks ago, which left a young man in the hospital, me being cautioned and questioned by police and them seizing my car for evidence. Oh, and let’s not forget feeling totally humiliated as they breathalysed me at the scene, and no I was not drinking. I sense it will be a while before the situation is resolved and they tell me it could weeks, even months before I get my car back, so here’s to me taking a deep breath and exhaling.
The young man in question suffered serious injuries and I’m still trying to piece together what happened. Even though I don’t believe it was my fault due to the fact he was overtaking me illegally and at the speed of lightning, yet, still I find myself in a place of self-doubt, but I say to myself what will be, will be and I breathe and exhale.
Ahh, and lest not forget the company that has robbed me of just under £4000 who are presently being investigated for fraud.
Is now a good time to say I need a holiday? “I NEED A HOLIDAY”
If I were to take a fraction of one of the above and backtrack a few years, the last thing I would be doing right now is writing a blog and planning a fabulous day out in Brighton of all places. Backtrack a few years and I would have been neck high in a hopeless state of depression, questioning “why does this kind of stuff always happen to me.” But something tells me I’m not the only one that has thought those very thoughts. So here I am, measuring the progress of my success against the digression of my depression and I’m sat here wondering who is this woman that is managing her emotions in the midst of all this turmoil surrounded by a sea of peace and sane sanity
On the night of the accident, the shock had me shaking and in tears. One minute I was driving the next I was the center of a crime scene, car surrounded by tape and me sat in the back of a police car for hours, periodically bursting into tears. Walking through my front door at 4am in the morning I wondered whose life I was living as I curled up on the sofa, still in my jeans and shirt laying zombified until I fell asleep, and then I woke up, and there it was, the progress of my success, the peace in the midst of my storm, the silence in my tears, the stillness in my walk, a confidence in the unknown.
A few days later when I received a call from the police telling me they wanted me to come in for further questioning, under caution and a recorded interview, my hands began to shake and tears began to flow as the officer informed me I may want to have legal representation present. For a few moments, the shock of my nightmare was back. It was Thursday 28th June and I was in the middle of decorating a wedding cake, which was proving impossible through the stream of tears running down my checks.
A few hours later, came the call that I had lost the best part of £4000, at which point once again I became numb. I heard the words, they registered but I felt nothing but peace and self-control.
I have spent the best part of forty years dreaming of being at this place, striving for control in the area of my depressive mindset. Wanting to be at a place where any given incident was robbed of its power of taking me down. Some days I look back and wonder how I got here? Where my fight and emotional energy and motivation come from. It has been a tough road and it continues, but the more I fight for control of my thoughts, the more I realise how crucial the fight is.
Working Hard! Set Goals, See Results
When it comes to emotional and even mental health, sometimes we don’t want to put the work in, we feel drained, tired, weary and fed up, but in order to achieve, to see progress in our success, we have to do the work. We have to have to set realistic mental goals and do the work. For me, the work has come in the form of being determined to succeed in this area of my life by eradicating my natural default mechanism. Telling myself I can and I will, when all I feel is I can’t and I won’t. Pushing past the “it’s too much” lie and telling myself, it’s achievable. Pushing aside heaviness and oppression and looking to the left, right, above, below, any and everywhere till I see the light at the end of the tunnel that I need to focus on, but how did I get from a place of hopelessness and suicidal tendencies to here?
How did I come to be at this place where I am able to manage my depression? Manage my thoughts in a place where I can now see and live the in the progress of my success?
I owe my life to my intimate time with God. It is my time with Him that enables me to fight the way I do. I am in awe at the of my level of peace, self-control and focused determination to rise above my circumstances. I am in awe at the progress of my success in the midst of the storm. I am awe with my life, I am in awe of Him
Selah x
